Week 10: Regulate- Helping Kids Manage Big Feelings
As parents, a valuable gift that we can give our children is the ability to recognize and regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation is not something children automatically know how to do. It is a skill that develops over time through guidance, practice, and most importantly, watching the adults around them. When children become overwhelmed, they often need a calm, supportive adult to help them navigate those big feelings until they can do it independently.
One helpful way to talk about emotions and regulation is through the engine analogy.
What Is Your Engine Running At?
Ask your child: "What is your engine running at right now?"
Imagine our bodies are like car engines:
- Low engine: Tired, sluggish, sad, withdrawn, low energy.
- Just right engine: Calm, focused, ready to learn and connect.
- High engine: Excited, anxious, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, or overstimulated.
The goal is not to always stay in the "just right" zone. Everyone's engine naturally speeds up and slows down throughout the day. The goal is learning how to recognize where our engine is and knowing what tools help us get back to a place where we can make good decisions.
Make engine check-ins a regular family practice:
- Before school
- After school
- During meals
- Before bedtime
- During difficult moments
Simple questions like, "Is your engine running low, just right, or high?" help children build self-awareness and emotional vocabulary.
Regulation Before Correction
When a child is dysregulated, their thinking brain is often offline. During these moments, reasoning, lecturing, or consequences are usually ineffective.
Instead, focus on helping your child regulate first:
- Get on their level.
- Use a calm voice.
- Validate their feelings.
- Offer supportive coping strategies.
For example: "I can see your engine is running really high right now. Let's help your body calm down before we talk about what happened." This approach teaches children that emotions are manageable rather than something to fear or avoid.
Create a Family Coping Skills Chart
One of the best tools families can use is a coping skills chart that includes every family member. This normalizes the idea that everyone experiences stress and everyone needs strategies to manage it. Place the chart somewhere visible, such as on the refrigerator or in the family room.
Family Coping Skills Chart
Family Member | When My Engine Runs High | What Helps Me Calm Down |
Mom | Feeling overwhelmed, too much noise | Deep breaths, stepping outside, drinking water |
Dad | Stress from work, frustration | Walking, stretching, listening to music |
Child #1 | Angry, disappointed | Drawing, squeezing a stress ball, jumping jacks |
Child #2 | Worried, nervous | Reading, cuddling a stuffed animal, belly breathing |
Allow each person to choose coping skills that work for them. The goal is to create a personalized toolkit rather than forcing everyone to use the same strategies.
Teach Coping Skills Before They're Needed
Children learn best when they practice coping skills during calm moments, not only during emotional storms.
Some effective regulation tools include:
Belly Breathing
Have children place their hands on their belly and slowly breathe in through their nose and out through their mouth.
Try:
- Inhale for 4 counts
- Hold for 2 counts
- Exhale for 6 counts
Longer exhales help calm the nervous system.
Wall Pushes
Children can stand facing a wall and push against it for 10-20 seconds. This provides heavy work input that can help release stress and tension.
Five Senses Check-In
Ask your child to identify:
- 5 things they see
- 4 things they feel
- 3 things they hear
- 2 things they smell
- 1 thing they taste
Grounding activities help bring attention back to the present moment.
Movement Breaks
Sometimes a high engine needs movement before it can slow down.
Try:
- Jumping jacks
- Animal walks
- Dancing
- Trampoline time
- Stretching
Movement can help organize the body and release built-up energy.
Calm Corner
Create a designated space with:
- Pillows
- Books
- Fidgets
- Coloring supplies
- Visual breathing cards
The calm corner should never be used as punishment. It is a tool, not a consequence.
Make Regulation a Family Practice
Rather than viewing emotional regulation as something only children need to work on, think of it as a family skill. Regularly discuss what your engine is running at, what has helped you regulate throughout the day, and any coping skills that you would like to try in the future. These conversations help create an emotionally healthy family culture where feelings are acknowledged and managed rather than ignored.
One of the most powerful teaching strategies is letting your child see you regulate your own emotions. Many parents try to hide their stress, but children benefit from seeing healthy coping skills in action.
For example: "My engine is running really high right now. I'm feeling overstimulated by all the noise. I'm going to take three deep breaths before I keep talking." Or: "I'm feeling frustrated. I'm going to step outside for two minutes and reset my engine." Children learn far more from what we do than what we say.
When parents openly identify their feelings and coping strategies, children learn that everyone experiences difficult emotions, and that regulation is for everyone, adults included. This also reduces shame around needing support.
Final Thoughts
Emotional regulation is not about eliminating big feelings. It is about helping children recognize their emotions, understand what their bodies are telling them, and develop tools to respond in healthy ways. By using the engine analogy, creating family coping skills charts, practicing regulation strategies, and modeling your own coping skills when you're overstimulated, you give your child skills they can carry into adolescence and adulthood.
Remember: children borrow our calm before they can build their own. Every time you help your child notice their engine, choose a coping skill, and return to a regulated state, you are strengthening a skill that will serve them for the rest of their lives.
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The NETCAC provides educational information for families, schools, churches, and community groups across Northeast Texas. If you or your organization is interested in more information, or hosting an educational event, please contact Caitlin Graham at (903)629-7588.
